To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before

I’ve have been blessed to have three great loves in my life. One in my teens to my early twenty’s, my ex-wife (my favorite who I love to this day), and one whose name shall not be spoken. All three of these women played a dramatic role in making me the man I am today. Some good, some bad. But they all were victims to a secret that I kept hidden. They shared me with the women below. Here are the stories of the other women that have influenced, controlled, and nearly ruined my life. These ladies brought me to great highs and horrible lows. Perhaps you know some of them?

J. S. Christie

Met her when I was 8. Everything was peace and love if you didn’t get out of line with her dad. Her family had a real love that showed through to everyone. And she was just as loving. Always thinking of other people and how to help. There is an innocence with her. A desire to save the world. Around her for just a little while and you feel so much better about yourself. It’s like her love would radiate through me. What I had issues with was her extended family. They were a lot like her…on the outside, but inside they were the worst liars, cheats, and thieves I have ever known. She’s has never been far from me. We’re not as close as we should be. We don’t talk as often as we used to, but she knows deep down she will always be my first and my longest lasting love.

Allison Hallik

Met her when I was 10. Her family and mine go back generations so it was natural that her and I would end up together. Nobody made me feel as warm inside as she did. Allison is lot of fun up to a point then would she would get all angry, sloppy, and sobby. Half the time you couldn’t understand what she was saying. I was always a little dizzy around her. Didn’t see her again until my mid 20’s. Truth be told, she was way too old for me when I was 10. Even at that age she was bitter.

Valarie Elizabeth Ohms

We started going out in my late teens/early 20’s. I thought I had met the love of my life. I enjoyed spending time with her but like almost all my loves it soon turned ugly. So relaxing, so comforting, so peaceful. But she did bad things to my mind. I have never been a violent person, but around her for a few days I would become scary dangerous. She meant well and was doing all she could but the changes to my personality were so dramatic I had to let her go. It was ugly. I’ve tried a few times to reach out, but every time it ends the same. I have no idea what happened to her. But she did one good thing for me…she introduced me to her cousin, Xany.

Xany Xi

I know it sounds like a stripper name, but she was anything but wild. She is Val’s cousin from Japan. Her and Val were very close but oh so different. She could make me feel the same as Val but without the violence. The most laid back of all my loves. So relaxing, so soothing. Loved this lady. We would take 4 or 5 day trips to the mountains and just bask in each other. Cut off from all communication with the outside world. Truly comfortably numb. Losing track of all sense of time, we would meander for days through the beauty of nothing. The only problem I had with her was that I lost track of real life. I had to work. I’d loved to have stayed lost with her. I couldn’t get enough from her and I just couldn’t give her all she needed. So, then she would leave. That was always the hardest part. A week with her of the most peaceful bliss followed by two weeks of horrible pain, grief, and sorrow. I still think about her. And I’ll admit I’ve called her from time to time for a day or so. But sometimes love can be destructive. And our love was that kind.

Connie Kane

Always a party. She had champagne taste and I had a beer budget, but I did my best to give her all the money I had. We dated from 1994 to 1998. Her and I would stay up for days making love and plans to rule the world. No matter how outrageous we’d go from idea to idea in a matter of seconds. I’ll admit, she was a little scary. At first, it was a good kinda scary. That adrenaline rush you get from seeing how far you can go. Go to the limit and then take 1 more step…then 3 more…then 10. The crowd she ran with was so opposite to what I had known. Real shady type of people. The kind that make you lock your car door when they go by on their motorcycle. She was a little too dangerous for me. We only dated seriously for about 3 years, my heart and my checking account couldn’t take loving her any longer.

Lucy Samantha Diamond

All I can say about her is…WOW! Our first date was at the front row for the premiere of Toy Story. So intense. Buzz and Woody came to life. The first girl that I loved that loved Pink Floyd as much as I do. She opened my mind to things I couldn’t even imagine. Deep thoughts about philosophy, life, the universe, and everything. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her, but when we did it was life changing. In her eyes I could touch the face of God. It was like she took me to another world. Colors were so bright. Sounds were so rich. Smells were so intricate. I loved it, but it was almost too much. I think sometimes about giving her a call. Just not too sure what my old man mind might see now.

Vicki Olivia Dean

Vicki used to be such a sweet girl. I really enjoyed hanging out with her. But in the late 90’s early 2000’s she started hanging out with everyone. She became a real slut (excuse my language). She went from relieving the pain from a broken bone to leaving broken homes. She was very demanding. Then around 2017 she disappeared. You couldn’t find her anywhere. If you mention her name people would just give you a look of disgust. Vicki had a cousin like Valerie did. I think her name was Poppy. I tried to meet her a few times, but nobody would introduce me. “Stay away from Poppy. She’s bad news” they would tell me. Looking back, I’m so glad I never met Poppy. I’m sure that Vicki still brings a lot of comfort to people, but the path of destruction she leaves behind is devastating.

Ally Hallik again

Started going out with her again in my 20’s. She was friends with the group I was playing music with at the time. Seemed like every show we did, she was there. Doing all she could to help the band and the people have a good time. They would become dancing machines. She helped me so much to become a better performer to a point. The confidence she gave me. I felt like I was ten feet tall and bullet proof. But, man, did she know how to fight. Drop of a hat and her and I would be going at it like Mike Tyson on a bad day with his tiger. We would stay up all night, but the next day …uggh. I would be so sick. Ally could take away any pain for a while but left so much more pain behind. We still talk occasionally, maybe have dinner together. That’s enough of her for me.

Mary Jane Green

Met her when I was 13. Really nice girl. Part hippie, part peacenik. She gave love and happiness wherever she went. I never really paid her that much attention. She was an afterthought. Mary’s here, she always was. And she always has been there for me. When I need a laugh or a cry. When I need to sleep or get creative. Softly and gently she rocks me in her oh so soft embrace. When I have a sore back, she’ll take care of it. Upset stomach…she soothes it. Racing thoughts, she calms them. She softly takes away any pain and discomfort. Mary has gotten popular like Vicki, but it’s for the peace she brings. Mary couldn’t destroy anything if she tried. Her beautiful red hair and green eyes are so captivating. She’s stayed with me all these years. I don’t know where I’d be without her.

So what’s it all mean?

There have been so many girls I’ve loved. They’ve shaped the man I’ve become. And I thank them. As I look back at these ladies, I realize I’ve always been looking for someone to ease my pain. Someone to comfort me mentally, physically, and spiritually. They all did that for a while, but then the glitter would fade. The ugliness of who they really were left a mark on my life. Some good, mostly bad. They couldn’t last. They were all wonderful to be with, but the cost of some of those relationships eventually would be too high.

I still have a good relationship with J. S. Christie and Mary Jane. Their loves have never really let me down. I must admit that loving both of them keeps my head in the clouds and my heart overflows with contentment. I imagine they’ll both be with me until the day I die and I’m sure I’ll see J.S. Christie on the other side.

The National Drug Helpline offers 24/7 drug and alcohol help to those struggling with addiction. Call the national hotline for drug abuse to receive information regarding treatment and recovery.


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